Scoring the S**tiest Comments From My Stories Part 1: “Why Delayed Ejaculation is Hard To Solve”

If I had to read them, so do you.

In my experience, the comments on Medium are the most palatable of just about any media platform. If YouTube is the five-hundredth ring of hell then Medium is some form of purgatory.

Alas, it’s still the internet.

So in this series, I want to look back on the stories I have written on and for Medium and review some of the worst comments left by readers.

Why? Well, I think it will be a fun way to look back on what I have done on this platform. I am proud of my work on this platform. I have written personal essays, op-eds, interviews, and even a little reporting. So this series is a unique means of looking back and updating you on some of my past work.

Also, I know this is unlikely. But I hope this series serves as a reminder that even though we are all sitting in front of our respective computers and phones, at the core of our time online is still human interaction that warrants a modicum of respect.

But mostly, I’m doing this for shits and giggles.

Oh, I’m also going to be linking the comments and mentioning users because it’s only fair.

This was my first story for LEVEL. Writing a thirteen-hundred-word feature about your personal sexual dysfunction is… a lot. First, I literally told the world that my penis is weird. More specifically, I wrote about a condition I have called delayed ejaculation, which often results in, well, delayed ejaculation. It is a disorder that, if you live in a porn-filled fantasy, can be a bit of a nightmare.

So you would think that if you were going to comment on a story like this, you might want to have a little sensitivity.

But the internet…

The Comment Hall Of Shame

First, there were the ones who focused on the inconsequential portions of my story. Most notably the fact that in the process of faking an orgasm as not to hurt a woman’s feelings, I hid and flushed a condom down the toilet. For this, multiple comments were chastising me on behalf of the environment.

Case in point, we have Rosie Davies.

“Apologies, this is off topic but can’t you chose a more environmentally friendly disposal method?”

Now in Rosie’s defense, yes, flushing condoms down the toilet isn’t environmentally friendly. But I made it clear that this was the result of a very particular situation. I also give Rosie credit for acknowledging that the question was off-topic. It just lands weird when you are discussing a very personal topic, and one of the more trivial points of the story becomes the focus of the conversation.

Shitty comment rating 3/10.

Then there are the ones where you immediately realize that the commenter didn’t actually read the article. It’s one thing to skim. It’s another to comment derisively on something you haven’t actually read. Enter good old Rich Lee.

“Why do you have to ejaculate every time?”

“Why are you banging away like there’s no tomorrow to the point you’re bruising your lover? (Because porn is probably why).”

With even a cursory glance at my story, you would see that I spend considerable time explaining that my finishing isn’t a requirement during intercourse. It would also be clear that I have no interest in “banging away.”

I don’t know who hurt Rich (or who Rich hurt) but going off half-cocked (pun intended) only makes commenters look goofy.

Honorary Mention: YES PANKAJ

There is actually a lot of useful information in the comment but Yes keeps referencing premature ejaculation. The exact opposite problem I have.

Shitty comment rating 5/10.

Inevitably, when you write about anything medical, someone will presume to have the cure. Sometimes it’s a miracle drug. Sometimes it’s some form of therapy. And in the case of Al Davies, the answer is to stop beating your meat and show some self-control.

  1. Get rid of the condoms
  2. Quit porn and jacking for 30 days in a row
  3. Report back results

There is a lot to unpack here. First, advising someone to get rid of condoms? In 2020? That’s what we’re doing? Second, quit jacking for thirty days makes a medical/psychological condition sound like a personal defect, which is a dangerous game to play on the internet. You never know what people are going through. Lastly, report back? GTFOH.

Shitty comment rating 7/10.

There are comments that go so far off the rails you wonder if the

I honestly don’t know where to begin with this one. John Smoak manages to be angry, wrong, and long-winded. The triumvirate from internet hell.

As I said, this is a long one, so I’m going to jump to some of the highlights.

“I have personally used tantric methods since age 14 and never had an unwanted ejaculation. I often have gone all night, and thousands of times for more than an hour and even occasional all weekends of energetic sex without me ejaculating.”

Um… again, my problem isn’t unwanted ejaculation. This is just a poorly aimed humble brag. If so, congratulations, I guess?

“Nobody ever got kidney infections either, but I am a maniac of cleaning the sexual organs, mine and hers, carefully in general and before sex all the more.”

“I am a maniac” Agreed. Are you cleaning her sex organs as well? It puts the lotion in the basket…

“So many causes here and so many ways to deal with this new “problem” without making it another “fault” of men. Would you blame a woman for taking “too long” to orgasm? Can you imagine the mail you would get if you did?”

Do you understand that I am a) a man and b) the one with the condition? Who is blaming anyone? And we blame women for taking too long all the time. “I got mine. Sorry, you didn’t get yours” is a retort as old as sex itself.

Shitty comment ranking 36/10.

I look forward to the shitty comments on my shitty comment story. #ShittyInception

Writer (duh). Bylines @LevelMag @thegrio @NBCBLK. Co-creator of the Good Talk Podcast Network. Don’t forget to add me to your Medium email list!

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