The Ten Crack Commandments of Social Media

It’s all common sense, but these rules get violated every day.

Rule #1: The internet is forever. Say what you mean and mean what you say because someone is always ready to call you on your bullshit.

Think twice before you hit send. For every hastily posted status or think piece that turns out to be a little racist, homophobic, or sexist, someone is grabbing a screenshot before it’s deleted. The Internet is forever, and Google never forgets, so if you’re planning to run for office, get a job, or pass a social media background check by your next date, take a second to decide if that really ridiculous viewpoint is worth shouting to the entire known universe.

Rule #2: Don’t use other people’s following for your side hustle without permission. Nobody wants to hear your new mixtape, poorly edited podcast, or join your Ponzi scheme.

It’s one thing if I don’t know you. Everyone gets spammed at some point by some overzealous bot or someone trying to sell me a million followers for three bucks, but if we know each other spamming my feed is a complete dick move. If you have a business or some other venture, I’ll probably promote it myself (shout out to Haus Urban) but if I don’t, just ask. If you are doing something of quality, I’ll shout you out myself. My reputation and my endorsement, however small, are important to me. I respect your hustle, but my name is MY name.

Rule #3: Don’t throw people into someone’s mentions because you know they disagree. That’s like throwing a rock and pointing at the dude next to you.

I get it. I’ve written about race, allyship, or why my penis is weird, or whatever else is going on in the world, and that horrible person you know on Facebook is saying something ridiculous, but throwing me into the conversation is the equivalent of setting up an intellectual cockfight. It’s interesting to watch, but it’s still pretty shitty. I already have enough trolls on my feed. I’d rather not advertise for more.

Rule #4: Stop with the ambiguous status updates. If your sad, tell us why you are sad. Otherwise, your cry for help looks like a cry for likes and retweets.

If Sylvia Plath were passive-aggressive, she would probably post one of these types of statuses. Seriously, if you really need support from folks, tell us what the hell is going on. Be selective, though. Most of the people liking and responding to your half-status are more emotional rubberneckers than supportive friends. Talk to your significant other, a therapist, or your mama; you’ll be better off in the end.

Rule #5: If I tell you that my dog died, I have an incurable disease, or my wife left me, don’t hit the like button. It looks like you’re rooting for my misery.

This isn’t totally your fault. Social media doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room to acknowledge less than happy tweets and posts when you don’t have anything particularly constructive to say. This also applies to hitting, like when someone asks a question. I don’t need encouragement when I ask who has the best pizza. I need some fucking pizza.

Rule #6: If you are a public figure, never EVER do a social media town hall. The internet is evil, and so are the people telling you it’s a good idea.

R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, and the NYPD all found out the hard way that the Internet is an awful place to go if you are trying to prove that you aren’t awful. If you are a celebrity or organization trying to recover from or deflect controversy, exposing yourself to the anonymous online masses probably isn’t the way to go. Actually, why am I giving awful people advice? Forget everything I said. You should take a picture of yourself holding up a sign for us all to photoshop.

Rule #7: If they’re not in your pic, don’t tag them in your pic. The internet gods made @ for a reason.

Seriously, there is no reason for this. Whether you found a hilarious meme, a moving, inspirational quote, or have a bootleg sunglass business you are trying to promote (see rule #2 ), all that tagging me on a pic that I’m not in does is make a mess of my feed or worse associate me with some shit I had no part in (Wait, was Shane at that Black Lives MAGA rally?). If I absolutely have to see your pic, just mention me in the comments. It’s not hard.

Rule #8: Don’t ask if you didn’t Google it first. It’s smarter than we are, and we’re not your research assistant.

This is simply a matter of laziness. I have had people tweet me to ask if I had a link to an article about some topic I posted about a week ago. Or if I could explain what a word I used meant. Google is an amazing thing. It has every bit of information in the known world. You don’t even have to type your question. I literally pick up my phone, say “OK Google,” and the lovely woman inside my smartphone is ready to answer any question I can think of. The best part? The Google machine is 100 percent free!

Rule #9: You could find a cure for cancer that involved puppies and gumdrops. If you write about it, don’t read the comments. Comment sections are like swap meets. You’ll have to do a lot of digging to find anything good.

I am constantly violating this rule. I like to engage with my audience but, the more popular the story, the worse the comments get. Don’t believe me? Go look up your favorite YouTube video and read the comments. In my time writing online, I’ve been called every name in the book. I even managed to get called a pussy on LinkedIn. For every positive comment, there are three talking shit about you and your work. If you can, just skip it.

Rule #10: For fuck’s sake. Don’t live-stream your criminal activity.

We have all seen it. Folks posing with drugs, guns, and cash on social media then immediately cry about snitches getting them bagged. Yeah, the Feds is watching you… on your fucking Tik Tok dumbass. That said, self-snitching can be wildly entertaining. Especially when it’s white supremacists live streaming themselves, storming the Capitol building. Between the FBI and Black Twitter, I’m not sure who is better at putting these folk’s whole life on blast.